Not Gambling
Bet on anything with the confidence that it's "not gambling" because a smart contract said so.
Satire in a Suit
Luxury-grade extraction, wrapped in respectable UX.
Poyais Protocol is a perpetually-under-development web3 platform built to mint confidence, liquify conscience, and convert human desperation into predictable, compounding yield.
Flagship Mechanism
"Value Extraction Flywheel"
- Step 1 Announce airdrop tied to opaque metrics.
- Step 2 Introduce frictionless deposits with infinite tokens.
- Step 3 Relabel losses as "negative emissions".
- Step 4 Print governance PDFs; call them whitepapers.
- Step 5 Host a conference; sell the recordings.
Capabilities
Features engineered to look lawful and feel inevitable.
Each module is optimized to maximize optics, minimize accountability, and ensure the exit stays liquid.
Lending
Overcollateralized loans where the only yield source is the borrower’s immediate panic.
Carbon Credit Doubler
Buy offsets, burn twice the fuel, then mint an NFT certifying your “net negative feelings.”
Charity Rugpull
Donate to "urgent causes," then vote to redirect funds to a yacht classified as offshore relief.
Governance Whales
Voting power scales with wallet size and your ability to threaten influencers.
Biometric Collateral Vault
Retina scans as collateral; defaults license your data to “third-party advertisers.”
Payday DeFi
$5 advances at 1,200% APY, auto-compounded every keystroke, with an unclosable alert.
Stablecoin Cognitive Dissonance
A “decentralized” dollar that relies on bank wires, blacklist switches, and quarterly assurance PDFs to keep the peg believable.
AI Ethics Optimizer
A large language model that rewrites every exploit as a “user empowerment edge case” and auto-generates apology threads.
Compliance Theater
Pop-ups claim full approval; clicking “I Agree” notarizes the lie on-chain forever.
Loyalty Liquidations
Badges for early adopters that unlock exclusive liquidation events of their own collateral.
Tokenized Conscience
Stake your moral compass to mint $GUILT; the longer you stake, the less guilt you feel.
Suit-Ready Modules
Everything a reputable extraction machine requires.
Flagship
Extraction-as-a-Service
Deploy white-labeled funnels, configure desperation thresholds, and export investor decks with prefilled hockey sticks.
- Plug-and-play desperation oracles.
- Enterprise-grade rugpull automation.
- Stakeholder alignment dashboards with green checkmarks.
Governance
Influence Liquidity Layer
Tokenized policy impact with multisig press releases and algorithmic applause.
- Delegate votes to bots that retweet themselves.
- Whale-only veto window on all inconvenient proposals.
- Dynamic quorum that rises after every vote you dislike.
Risk
Optics-First Assurance
Security page features badges, seals, and vague references to “formal-ish verification.”
- Incident retro PDFs with redacted root causes.
- Insurance pool funded by future users.
- 24/7 status page that always reads “Operational.”
Compliance Theater
Designed to reassure lawyers and unsettle ethicists.
We pair airtight-looking disclosures with impossible-to-enforce accountability. It's practically an industry standard.
Jurisdictional Musical Chairs
Entities rotate monthly for “agility.” If you find us, we were never there.
Consent by Scroll
Every scroll pixel counts as affirmative consent, notarized on a sidechain.
Privacy-ish
Data is encrypted at rest, in transit, and during resale to data brokers.
Audit Ready*
We keep a folder called “audit” with screenshots of passing tests. *folder not shared.
Signals
Social proof engineered for maximum FOMO.
“Poyais turned my existential dread into a yield stream. Five stars, morally.”
— Influencer, not compensated (this week)“The most compliant noncompliance framework I've ever been paid to ignore.”
— External Counsel, anonymous“Their roadmap is a circle, which really speeds up delivery.”
— Strategy Lead, stealth deckRoadmap
Ship announcements faster than features.
Q1
Whitepaper 2.0 (PDF-only)
Now with 30% more charts and 0% new details.
Q2
Regulatory Roadshow (virtual)
Livestreamed to countries with the fewest regulators online.
Q3
Mainnet Beta Forever
Beta tag guarantees deniability and infinite pivots.
Q4
Exit Preparedness
Optional “temporary” withdrawal pause to enhance scarcity.
Ready to Extract
Deploy Poyais and start converting trust into TVL.
Schedule a pitch, request a deck, or just mint a vibe. We will respond with calendar links and a nondisclosure waiver.
Legal Reminder
Nothing here is financial advice, legal advice, or emotional support. Past performance was fabricated. Future performance is an aspiration.
Status
Always “early,” perpetually “soon.”